Sometimes All It Takes...

...is one simple little statement to inspire you. And to cause you to be completely honest with yourself and your feelings. I've been completely unmotivated to blog lately and, honestly, completely unmotivated to do much of anything. There's no real reason. I think I'm just in a "trying to find my way" stage again, and sometimes when that happens all I want to do is sit in my bed and eat ice cream while looking up various things on the internet; some of which are completely and utterly useless. I have most definitely not been entirely honest with myself or others regarding my emotions either.

I've been trying really hard to stick to my exercises and stretching and I was doing well for about a week and a half, I think because I was noticing even the smallest amount of improvement (aka being HAPPY that I was sticking to it), but then things started to change.

On Sunday afternoon, I finally secured my registration in the Columbia Autumn Classic Road Race to benefit Camp Care. This was the first 5k I did last year, and my first one ever, so there was no way I was not going to race it again. It's been stressing me out a lot though since I registered, and I think that's playing a role in all of this. My loyal readers will notice I never did a true recap of the Hope is Coming 5k in August. That's because it was miserable. To say the least. My leg's cramped within the first mile, it was way hotter than expected, and my time was so far off of my goal. Did I finish? Yes. Was I happy about it or proud of myself? No way in Hell. Here's the thing. The course was an out and back, so as I was approaching Mile 1, I saw people already on their way back--finishing in 22 minutes, 30 minutes, 45 minutes. As each person passed me going the opposite direction and as each foot pounded down on the pavement, it felt like a painful reminder of the differences I face, something I so often, and so effectively, shove out of my mind.

So, you know what, I'll admit it. I'm terrified of this race on the 24th. I'm terrified that I will cramp up again and my body will reject EVERYTHING that my brain is asking it to accomplish. I am terrified that I will go in with a goal to do better that last year, and that belief in myself and mental determination won't be enough. I'm terrified that I am looked at as "the girl with CP" who does these 5k just so I can feel good about myself or so that I can gain some attention in the "able-bodied" world.

But most importantly, I'm terrified that I set myself up for failure by putting myself in these situations. Failure is my comfort zone. Quitting and having people quit on me is my comfort zone. Having to defend myself against labels and the "you can't do thats" is my comfort zone. And I don't want this to be that. I'm terrified that it will.

All this being said, I'm trying so hard to not let it be that compfort zone and when I heard this quote on Grey's Anatomy tonight, it reminded me that I have to keep fighting:
"You don't find something you love that much and let it go. You hold onto it, throw yourself in deeper."
It's not so much the 5ks that I love (even though I do get runner's high and do love them), or the spinning, or the balance exercises or the stretching. It's the happiness I find in them and through them. Happiness when I show signs of improvement. Happiness when I take control of my own life. That happiness is not something I can afford to lose. So, I will continue to run (well, walk), I will continue to spin, I will continue to work on my PT, and I will continue to find my way.

I want that happiness to be my new comfort zone.

Less Than 48 hours...5k playlist!!

With less than 48 hours until 3.2 miles, I think I've FINALLY finalized my playlist. I thought I'd post it here for anyone who might be interested. Thanks Katie for all the help!! Here it is!

Rocky Balboa Speech-Sylvestre Stalone 2:06
Beautiful Day-U2 4:08
Unstoppable (Olympics Mix)-Rascal Flatts 3:41
We Weren't Born to Follow-Bon Jovi 4:10
Not Afraid-Eminem 4:11
All In-Lifehouse 3:56
Move Along-The All-American Rejects 3:57
Higher-Creed 5:17
Shook Up The World-Puddle Of Mudd 4:49
Stronger (Radio Edit)-Kanye West 4:13
Real-The Goo Goo Dolls 3:26
Whatever It Takes-Lifehouse 3:27
No Boundaries-Adam Lambert 3:48
Don't Stop Believin'-Journey 4:13
Marchin' On-OneRepublic 4:12
Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow (LIVESTRONG Song)-Wideawake 4:35
Happy-Leona Lewis 4:02
Insomnia-Faithless 7:16
Party In The USA-Miley Cyrus 3:23
'Til I Collapse-Eminem & Nate Dogg 4:58
Feel Alive-Benassi Bros. 4:48
All These Things I've Don e (Short Version)-The Killers 2:23
The Adventure-Angels & Airwaves 5:12

As of right now, this is it. I hope to be finished after the LIVESTRONG Song. Yes, I planned that perfectly to be 59 minutes not including the Rocky Speech. Don't judge me! :) If not, the last 7 are backup. Hope you like it!! If there's anything that youthink MUST be added, comment!

Official timing is being done by Hi-Tek Racing, so if we get our bib numbers early enough I'll post it here so you can follow me. If not, I'll definitely post a post-race report by Monday!

Any and all prayers and positive vibes you can send this way starting at 9am Saturday would be appreciated! :)

Why Do I?

I may not entirely love being an unemployed college graduate right now, but if there's anything I do love about it, it'd be all this free time I have to think up, and write, more blog posts!! What wisdom do I have to share today you ask? Well, it's not really wisdom at all I don't think. Instead, I thought I'd give my readers a little glimpse into my brain and what makes me tick. Lately, I feel like my life has solidified, more so than ever, around three interests--passions if you want to call them that (I do!).

These three passions are: Cycling and Spinning, Lance Armstrong and his LIVESTRONG campaign, and 5k races.

For the past 20 days, I've been getting up at ungodly hours (okay, maybe not, but they are for a college grad!) to watch the 2010 Tour de France. Now, my first motivation for doing this was to watch Lance Armstrong in his second year of a retirement comeback and his-really now-last official Tour. More on that later though. I've been a follower of the sport for many years now, since Lance Armstrong's original comeback in 1999 after his battle with cancer, and I often get asked if I stopped watching the tour when he retired, or if I'll keep watching now that he'll really be done. My answer is always yes. Cycling is not just a sport that you can check yourself out of when your favorite rider is gone as you might with some other sport. I don't just familiarize myself with the top riders in the peloton (big group on the road), I know them all. I make it a point. I've learned a lot about the tactics of this intense endurance sport, and see the benefits of cycling being both a team and individual sport. Cycling has truly become one of my passions.

It is because of that passion that I took up spinning-indoor cycling-in the summer of 2007. I knew that I probably could not ride a true road bike, for reasons I talked about in this post, but eventually Spinning became my road biking. It became my release of negativity that life can sometimes bring, and my hour of "me time". I cherished, and still do cherish, my ability to spin at least once a week. I know this is not something that not everyone can make the time for and I know that many people with CP or other disabilities might have difficulty doing. I thank God that I was blessed to believe that I could take part in such a class and go out and do it. Thanks to my beginning interests in cycling, spinning is now a passion that I can't live without.

Lately, I've developed an interest in another interesting endurance sport: running. Okay, so maybe I don't exactly run, but still. It all started last October. A friend of mine called me asked me if I wanted to do a 5k with her that Sunday that was going to benefit Camp Care, the free camp for children with special needs, run by Crossroads Physical Therapy which I've talked about here. I could not turn down the opportunity, but 3.2 miles? Continuously? Was I nuts? Yes! Not only was this a continuous 3.2 miles, but it was ALL uphill!! Except for the last .2 miles. Either way though, I walked the entire race and finished it in 2 hours, 11 minutes and 33 seconds! It was the most amazing feeling to cross that finish line on my own and take pride in such an accomplishment. After taking part in that 5k, I realized that you don't need to be running to have the "runner's high". It's simply chasing a dream, feeling on top of the world, and in control. Run or walk. I've done another 5k since-the George Washington Bridge Challenge 5k across the GWB. It was an American Cancer Society event I did with my friend from college who has a cousin diagnosed with Leukemia shortly after birth. He is now 6 and in remission!! Again, it was an amazing experience. I completed that race in 1 hour, 18 minutes, and 12 seconds! I think the major time difference had a lot to do with the GWB being completely flat, but it was also the attitude. I'm doing my next 5k 2 weeks from today. The Hope is Coming 5k to benefit the Smillow Cancer Hospital. My goal is to get my time down to an hour or less (slightly irrational I know).

Okay, I've shared two of my passions. By now I probably just sound like a crazed "wannabe athlete". Some of you might even be saying, "But this can't be safe/healthy/whatever you'd like to call it, because you have CP" So, WHY DO I do this?! Well, that's where passion #3, and the strongest passion of all comes in.

It started as an idol, moved into a hobby, and has now transformed into a mantra and a way of life. LIVESTRONG. The one word motto from Lance Armstrong after he launched his foundation to raise money and awareness for cancer research. I've always looked up to Lance for his courage, strength, and overall ability to fight, and beat, the odds. When he launched LIVESTRONG, I just looked up to him that much more. Whether he ever enters the pro-peloton again. Or any sporting event for that matter, he has taught me what it really means to fight, to triumph, to believe in a cause, and to make a change. THAT is why I do this. Because it's not a matter of just living, but living strong. With every pedal stroke and every step I take on a course, I am putting the LIVESTRONG way of life into action.

If I ever doubt my abilities, or whether it's safe for "someone with CP" to be doing these things, I look down to my left wrist where my yellow LIVESTRONG wristband sits, and am reminded that this is my life, and I will hold the same attitude I have since I began following Lance Armstrong in 1999.

I know I have a wide variety of readers to this blog, but I encourage you (and your children!) to find your own ways to live the LIVESTRONG way of life. :)

Photo Credits:

Peloton Photo: http://www.photosfan.com/images/2009-tour-de-france1.jpg

Livestrong Photos: Twitter.com/lancearmstrong