First of all, this post was inspired by Ellen over at Love That Max. I'm not sure if I've talked about Ellen before, but she's mom to Max, a wonderful 7 year old with CP. She is an amazing mom and all she does for her children definitely shows through her writing! Ellen's blog was the first I followed and I'm simply addicted to it! Check it out and I'm sure you will be too! Her blog really inspired me to put everything out there in each of my posts, because you just never know who might stumble upon it one day. THANK YOU ELLEN! :)
This week is Babies Week on Discovery Health Channel, and they are premiering a new show called NICU following 3 top Neonatal Intensive Care units in the country. This show is pretty exciting for those of us in the special needs community, because it showcases the beginnings of life which so many of us have experience with (preemies, trauma at birth, etc.) I invite you all to read Ellen's post about the NICU experience and the connection we all share before continuing on with my post here, because I can't do it justice...
Did you finish reading yet??
Really, I meant it, go read the post.
Okay, you should be done now! This post really touched me, for the obvious reasons, and because everything that Ellen talked about knowing as a mother of a child with special needs, I can say I have also felt or known growing up with CP. This is what I said in response to Ellen's post. I don't think I could say it this way if I tried it again, so I'm just going to paste it in.
I know that a lot of parents read this blog, so on a post that touches so many of you, I thought maybe I'd share a "child's" perspective...I'm not a parent of a child with special needs. I am a child with special needs. Well, more an adult now, but every one of those things you mentioned that you know as a parent of a child with CP, I can honestly say I know each of those too, having CP. It's obviously very different for a parent than it is for a child. I don't remember a lot of what would have probably been the "tougher" times for my parents, but I do remember my own thoughts of doctors visits, surgeries, etc. They are tough, they effect a child's life, but I'm here to assure you...your child is strong and will make it through each of them as they are meant to.I know what you mean about always feeling that empathy for preemies even though Max was not a preemie. I was a preemie (born at 24 weeks), so I too have that connection. For me, that empathy comes more from seeing my own experiences possibly play out in the life of another child, experiences that I have no recollection of and that I will probably never have the courage to ask my parents honest questions about. Now that I am an adult, that empathetic connection comes in the form of thinking about preemies now, the technology that medicine has to give them such a great shot at high quality of life. And it also comes in the form of thinking about my own children I someday hope to have. Will I have a preemie child myself, will I watch them struggle in some of the same ways I have, or--perhaps even more strongly weighing on my heart--will I be upset and even slightly jealous if my child learns to walk within their first year of life, while I am still trying at age 22, will they surpass their own mom in milestones?I don't know what so many of you face daily as parents of children with special needs, but I do know we are all connected--parent and child alike, and you can bet I'll be DVRing and watching along with all of you in my community tonight!
I hope you all tune in, or DVR the premeire tonight on Discovery Health at 10 PM ET and PT.
Oh, and, Ellen said I should be a guest poster on her blog, which is pretty darn exciting!! :)
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
What If?
Living everyday life, we are all faced with so many moments that can be altered by the flick of a switch; one quick change of plans, one spur of the moment decision, out of fear, out of doubt, out of curiousity. In these moments, we rarely think about the next step. We are only concerned with the here and now. Not that this is a bad thing, but sometimes it can lead us to ask that one loaded question: What If?
Two words. Two little words. That have the ability to impact our lives in so many different levels, both positively and negatively. I try my best to not play the what if game because, quite fankly, it always seems to end negatively for me.
The other day though, I was incredibly bored, so I was looking for quotes as I often do when I'm bored, or upset, or need to lose my thoughts in words for a little bit. After a while, I came across this quote:
"It will cost you nothing to dream, and everything not to."
Many people like to think of dream as a noun-that thing that happens when we're in deep enough sleep. I like to think of it that way too, but there is also another way I like to think of the word dream; as a verb. Dream. An action. Something that we do day in and day out.
This got me thinking. What If? With that, here is a list of things that I would not have accomplished, had I not dreamed:
1. I would not be alive. Period. Okay, so this might be a stretch, but I like to think that with a dream, determination, and a lot of love from God, I was able to overcome being 3 months premature to live the life I do now.
2. I would not have graduated high school. I mean, okay, I might have, but only because my parents required it of me, not because I actually wanted to.
3. I would not have gone to college. See above explanation.
4. I would not have the amazing relationships with so many people that I do now. You may ask what this has to do with dreaming, but it has everything to do with dreaming. As little girls, we think about friends. They may start as imaginary, but thanks to our dreaming, we put ourselves out there and establish strong relationships.
5. I would not have taken a spinning class. This is big. I have always dreamed of riding a bike, but due to my poor balance issues, have never had the opportunity. Spinning is the extention of this dream. It started out difficult, with cuts and fatigue, but I was not going to let this dream pass me by.
6. I would not have graduated college, and would not have done so with the use of my crutches. I blogged about this is my previous post, but that was something that, again so many people doubted was possible, but I kept dreaming.
And lastly, 7. I would not be writing this blog post. I continue to dream. Every minute of every day. For myself. For my family. For everyone in the world.
What about you? What If you hadn't dreamed? Where would you be?
Two words. Two little words. That have the ability to impact our lives in so many different levels, both positively and negatively. I try my best to not play the what if game because, quite fankly, it always seems to end negatively for me.
The other day though, I was incredibly bored, so I was looking for quotes as I often do when I'm bored, or upset, or need to lose my thoughts in words for a little bit. After a while, I came across this quote:
"It will cost you nothing to dream, and everything not to."
Many people like to think of dream as a noun-that thing that happens when we're in deep enough sleep. I like to think of it that way too, but there is also another way I like to think of the word dream; as a verb. Dream. An action. Something that we do day in and day out.
This got me thinking. What If? With that, here is a list of things that I would not have accomplished, had I not dreamed:
1. I would not be alive. Period. Okay, so this might be a stretch, but I like to think that with a dream, determination, and a lot of love from God, I was able to overcome being 3 months premature to live the life I do now.
2. I would not have graduated high school. I mean, okay, I might have, but only because my parents required it of me, not because I actually wanted to.
3. I would not have gone to college. See above explanation.
4. I would not have the amazing relationships with so many people that I do now. You may ask what this has to do with dreaming, but it has everything to do with dreaming. As little girls, we think about friends. They may start as imaginary, but thanks to our dreaming, we put ourselves out there and establish strong relationships.
5. I would not have taken a spinning class. This is big. I have always dreamed of riding a bike, but due to my poor balance issues, have never had the opportunity. Spinning is the extention of this dream. It started out difficult, with cuts and fatigue, but I was not going to let this dream pass me by.
6. I would not have graduated college, and would not have done so with the use of my crutches. I blogged about this is my previous post, but that was something that, again so many people doubted was possible, but I kept dreaming.
And lastly, 7. I would not be writing this blog post. I continue to dream. Every minute of every day. For myself. For my family. For everyone in the world.
What about you? What If you hadn't dreamed? Where would you be?
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Intelligence: it's not just academic...
Today is Blogging Against Disablism Day 2010. For those of you who follow my blog that may not know what this day is, or what disablism is (mainly, well, all of you!):
BADD is a day where those of us who have disabilities or have family members with disabilities come together to blog about our situations and some of the different issues we have faced regarding Disablism. Disablism is really any topic having to do with disability discrimnation, or treating children and adults with disabilities different in a positive or negative matter because of their disability.
Having had Cerebral Palsy since birth, I've obviously grown up with situations that weren't always ideal in regards to my disability. There were some instances when I could not partake in certain activities that my peers were taking part in or when I had to take more time to do certain things that might have come easily to others. However, despite all these difficulties and obstacles, my life up through this very day has been nothing short of amazing. Thanks to so many wonder family, friends, and therapists I have gotten to do so many wonderful things with my life...including attend an amazing university (from which I will be graduating in 15 days. AHHH!!) The education I've recieived has greatly impacted so many areas of my life, and has expanded my intelligence.
There is a different kind of intelligence that I'd like to talk about though. Some call it common sense, some call it generousity. Me? I call it LIFE intelligence.
There have been so many times in my life when I've come into contact with individual who don't only think I'm not intelligent, but act unintelligent themselves. This intelligence is simple. It comes in the form of holding a door open for a person with crutches, or hanging back with one of your friends because you know they aren't quite speedy, while everyone gets to where they want to go at top speed, afraid of missing 5 minutes of life. This intelligence is not telling someone they cannot do something, but showing them a way to do it that they may nto be aware of. It's telling a friend you are offering up your dance practices for them because you know dance is the one thing they love so much, but will probably never do.
I have been so blessed to meet many people who have developed this intelligence. Unfortunately though, I have also met many people who have not even the slightest idea that this type of intelligence even exists.
Tonight, 2 minutes before BADD 2010 comes to a close, I leave you with a question: Which type of person have you been to those with diabilities you have met?
BADD is a day where those of us who have disabilities or have family members with disabilities come together to blog about our situations and some of the different issues we have faced regarding Disablism. Disablism is really any topic having to do with disability discrimnation, or treating children and adults with disabilities different in a positive or negative matter because of their disability.
Having had Cerebral Palsy since birth, I've obviously grown up with situations that weren't always ideal in regards to my disability. There were some instances when I could not partake in certain activities that my peers were taking part in or when I had to take more time to do certain things that might have come easily to others. However, despite all these difficulties and obstacles, my life up through this very day has been nothing short of amazing. Thanks to so many wonder family, friends, and therapists I have gotten to do so many wonderful things with my life...including attend an amazing university (from which I will be graduating in 15 days. AHHH!!) The education I've recieived has greatly impacted so many areas of my life, and has expanded my intelligence.
There is a different kind of intelligence that I'd like to talk about though. Some call it common sense, some call it generousity. Me? I call it LIFE intelligence.
There have been so many times in my life when I've come into contact with individual who don't only think I'm not intelligent, but act unintelligent themselves. This intelligence is simple. It comes in the form of holding a door open for a person with crutches, or hanging back with one of your friends because you know they aren't quite speedy, while everyone gets to where they want to go at top speed, afraid of missing 5 minutes of life. This intelligence is not telling someone they cannot do something, but showing them a way to do it that they may nto be aware of. It's telling a friend you are offering up your dance practices for them because you know dance is the one thing they love so much, but will probably never do.
I have been so blessed to meet many people who have developed this intelligence. Unfortunately though, I have also met many people who have not even the slightest idea that this type of intelligence even exists.
Tonight, 2 minutes before BADD 2010 comes to a close, I leave you with a question: Which type of person have you been to those with diabilities you have met?
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Just Believe
NOTE: The original date this post was started was April 17, 2010...
Today I was sitting down with a friend talking about, and stressing about, this goal that I have that I've mentioned before of walking by myself across the graduation stage. As of yesterday I had one month until that day. It's been love-hate with me and this topic and well, lately it's been hate. Not that I don't want to or that I've given up, it's just been a struggle. A struggle of faith, a struggle of strength, and more than anything a struggle of mental stability.
Do you ever want something so badly that it consumes you? So badly that it becomes you? That's me.
Over the past few months, while other things in my life have been hanging by the wayside and some barely hanging on, this has flourished. It's become stronger and stronger. I've broken through the fear (mostly) and I've broken through my need to keep it a secret. It has been an amazing feeling to wake up and know that I can step out on my own, even if only for a step or two before the ground below me feel like it's shaking...a feeling that I'm sure most of you reading this take advantage of without even meaning to. It's been even more amazing to do this and to call my mom and say, "Hey, this is what I did just now", something I haven't been able to do for years, out of my own fear of letting people in and watching all I've worked for fade away.
UPDATE: Well, graduation was a week ago yesterday, and I did not walk across the stage 100% independently. I used my crutches and, although not the orginal plan, I was so incredibly happy that I did so! It showed that I was able to take on this event on my own and show how far I have come, not using my walker.
Even though the plan changed, the title of this post and the premise of writing it remains the same. JUST BELIEVE. When I sat and talked with this friend he asked me a simple question. "Do you believe it can happen." For the first time in a very long time I answered "Yes" and look where it's gottwn me. I've been using my crutches completely 100% of the time to get around since April 23, 2010.
It doesn't matter what it is, just believe. It doesn't matter if no one else believes with you, just believe.
Today I was sitting down with a friend talking about, and stressing about, this goal that I have that I've mentioned before of walking by myself across the graduation stage. As of yesterday I had one month until that day. It's been love-hate with me and this topic and well, lately it's been hate. Not that I don't want to or that I've given up, it's just been a struggle. A struggle of faith, a struggle of strength, and more than anything a struggle of mental stability.
Do you ever want something so badly that it consumes you? So badly that it becomes you? That's me.
Over the past few months, while other things in my life have been hanging by the wayside and some barely hanging on, this has flourished. It's become stronger and stronger. I've broken through the fear (mostly) and I've broken through my need to keep it a secret. It has been an amazing feeling to wake up and know that I can step out on my own, even if only for a step or two before the ground below me feel like it's shaking...a feeling that I'm sure most of you reading this take advantage of without even meaning to. It's been even more amazing to do this and to call my mom and say, "Hey, this is what I did just now", something I haven't been able to do for years, out of my own fear of letting people in and watching all I've worked for fade away.
UPDATE: Well, graduation was a week ago yesterday, and I did not walk across the stage 100% independently. I used my crutches and, although not the orginal plan, I was so incredibly happy that I did so! It showed that I was able to take on this event on my own and show how far I have come, not using my walker.
Even though the plan changed, the title of this post and the premise of writing it remains the same. JUST BELIEVE. When I sat and talked with this friend he asked me a simple question. "Do you believe it can happen." For the first time in a very long time I answered "Yes" and look where it's gottwn me. I've been using my crutches completely 100% of the time to get around since April 23, 2010.
It doesn't matter what it is, just believe. It doesn't matter if no one else believes with you, just believe.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
The Right Recipe?
I can't sleep and at 2am, when I can't sleep, I blog. I don't really know what's on my mind right now or, actually, what's not on my mind right now. It seems like lately I can't pause long enough to even keep track.
I had a Crossroads appointment on Thursday and I definitely needed it. My PT was Matt, who I love, but who hasn't treated me since Camp in August (before I was even an official client), so I was a little nervous. I've been having different PTs lately because I needed an longer appointment after the car accident which put me on someone else's schedule. It was a really interesting session. Like most sessions, I'm not really sure what he was working on. I think something to do with my hips and spine alignment. That must be it because both of those areas are still sore. After he got done working there though, we were just talking as he was doing some other things and Matt asked me if I've noticed any differences since I've started coming for treatment on a regular basis. I told him of course I did, but that I couldn't really explain how just that I knew I felt better--my body felt better. Matt said he had to ask because he noticed some big differences since the last time he treated me. First off, he told me that my body was much more relaxed, and had an easier time relaxing, than it originally did. He also said that there was much less muscle tone throughout my body. This is actually a good thing and very good for someone with my form of Cerebral Palsy. High muscle tone is what makes it most difficult for your body to carry out the messages it actually receives from your brain because it is too tense or being hyper vigilant in a way. For there to be less muscle tone means that there's improvements happening in my Central Nervous System, which will help to improve the more noticeable physical changes you might expect. I don't know if that made any sense, it's 2am, but I hope it did! Lastly, he told me that he remembers having to help me lift my legs up to lay down on the treatment table in August. Something that I do on my own without even thinking about it now.
I wasn't expecting to hear any of these improvements, but I'm elated that I did! I needed to hear them. The last thing Matt said to me was, "I'm not sure what you've been doing, but keep doing it, because you seem to have found the right recipe." That's the funny part. I have no idea what I've been doing. On the physical side, it hasn't seemed like I've been doing much of anything, except for the past week or so I've gotten back to stretching nightly and trying to walk without holding on to something a little everyday. Maybe that's what he means. I'm not sure. That is definitely something I'm proud of though because I feel like it is the strongest act of commitment I've displayed in a few months and even in the week that I've been doing it, it hasn't felt like I chore and I haven't pressured myself by keeping track of each move I make. I've just made the attempt each day and, quite honestly, enjoyed the challenge and accomplishment.
My path over the past month or so has been quite unknown. I've gone from fully believing this dream was possible, to doubting everything about it, even the ground I'm standing on. I've had trust strengthened and trust shattered all within the same day--both of myself and some around me. That's why hearing of those improvements came at such an important time. I guess it just has to do with the fact that we spend every moment of every day in this skin with ourselves, so it's difficult to see the changes that could be occurring. I'm just glad to know they are. And proud of myself too even!
I think that's all I have for tonight, even though there is plenty more floating around in my head. Hopefully that was enough to send me to sleep.
I had a Crossroads appointment on Thursday and I definitely needed it. My PT was Matt, who I love, but who hasn't treated me since Camp in August (before I was even an official client), so I was a little nervous. I've been having different PTs lately because I needed an longer appointment after the car accident which put me on someone else's schedule. It was a really interesting session. Like most sessions, I'm not really sure what he was working on. I think something to do with my hips and spine alignment. That must be it because both of those areas are still sore. After he got done working there though, we were just talking as he was doing some other things and Matt asked me if I've noticed any differences since I've started coming for treatment on a regular basis. I told him of course I did, but that I couldn't really explain how just that I knew I felt better--my body felt better. Matt said he had to ask because he noticed some big differences since the last time he treated me. First off, he told me that my body was much more relaxed, and had an easier time relaxing, than it originally did. He also said that there was much less muscle tone throughout my body. This is actually a good thing and very good for someone with my form of Cerebral Palsy. High muscle tone is what makes it most difficult for your body to carry out the messages it actually receives from your brain because it is too tense or being hyper vigilant in a way. For there to be less muscle tone means that there's improvements happening in my Central Nervous System, which will help to improve the more noticeable physical changes you might expect. I don't know if that made any sense, it's 2am, but I hope it did! Lastly, he told me that he remembers having to help me lift my legs up to lay down on the treatment table in August. Something that I do on my own without even thinking about it now.
I wasn't expecting to hear any of these improvements, but I'm elated that I did! I needed to hear them. The last thing Matt said to me was, "I'm not sure what you've been doing, but keep doing it, because you seem to have found the right recipe." That's the funny part. I have no idea what I've been doing. On the physical side, it hasn't seemed like I've been doing much of anything, except for the past week or so I've gotten back to stretching nightly and trying to walk without holding on to something a little everyday. Maybe that's what he means. I'm not sure. That is definitely something I'm proud of though because I feel like it is the strongest act of commitment I've displayed in a few months and even in the week that I've been doing it, it hasn't felt like I chore and I haven't pressured myself by keeping track of each move I make. I've just made the attempt each day and, quite honestly, enjoyed the challenge and accomplishment.
My path over the past month or so has been quite unknown. I've gone from fully believing this dream was possible, to doubting everything about it, even the ground I'm standing on. I've had trust strengthened and trust shattered all within the same day--both of myself and some around me. That's why hearing of those improvements came at such an important time. I guess it just has to do with the fact that we spend every moment of every day in this skin with ourselves, so it's difficult to see the changes that could be occurring. I'm just glad to know they are. And proud of myself too even!
I think that's all I have for tonight, even though there is plenty more floating around in my head. Hopefully that was enough to send me to sleep.
Monday, January 4, 2010
New Year, New You?
Happy New Year! Here we go again with the ramblings of Molly.
This year was the first New Year's Eve that I've spent away from my family, away from the busy and over crowded restaurant my parent's own, and away from, well, anything familiar and comfortable. Instead, I stood still in a sea of people at Disney's Hollywood Studios with two of my best friends and a drink in hand. And as I stood there watching the most spectacular fireworks display I've ever seen, I was at peace. I stood and reflected on 2009 as I always do, but for the first time in many years I wasn't fast forwarding and planning out the future of 2010. As I dialed back in to everything around me and listened to the DJ music in the background, it was not Auld Lange Syne that was playing (which is fabulous because I've never really liked that song). First the DJ played Let It Be by The Beatles, then Dream On by Aerosmith. Yes, this was ridiculously ironic, but I just laughed to myself and enjoyed the first new moments of 2010 unfolding before me.
Ever since I was little, I've been the girl with the big dreams, and New Year's Resolutions were no exception. Well all my friends thought cleaning their room every week was a good choice, I chose things like staying on top on my exercise program that I've had to deal with all my life. I didn't believe in small goals, or small dreams for that matter. Life didn't stop just because the calendar year changed over. Even knowing this I continued to make lengthy resolutions (last year's four being two pages long) and continued to not follow through on them. I would get extremely annoyed with myself looking at this as quitting or becoming lazy because I didn't want to do the work. While that was sometimes, unfortunately, the case, this New Year's Eve taught me something more.
I wasn't quitting or becoming lazy, but I was doing something with no purpose, no reason, no drive. Life doesn't stop just because the calendar year has changed over. It never will. So what I learned this year was this: everything you want to do, you should want to do year round. If you don't, change it. Getting stuck in a pattern of dread it pointless. I learned that I need to let things be and continue to dream regardless of what I may encounter in trying to achieve those dreams. And lastly, I've learned that it's not New Year, New You. It's about being who you are and matching that up with who you want to be. You don't have to change everything, or anything for that matter, for that to happen.
So, what's my New Year's Resolution this year? Well, I don't believe in them anymore. I believe you should always have goals and coming up with them on January 1st makes them no more special. I believe in giving yourself second, third, and fourth--an infinite number of chances--so that is what I entend to do.
This year and everyday for the rest of my life, it is my goal to just be. It is my goal to live life and do all that I can, without fear.
You should try it! :)
This year was the first New Year's Eve that I've spent away from my family, away from the busy and over crowded restaurant my parent's own, and away from, well, anything familiar and comfortable. Instead, I stood still in a sea of people at Disney's Hollywood Studios with two of my best friends and a drink in hand. And as I stood there watching the most spectacular fireworks display I've ever seen, I was at peace. I stood and reflected on 2009 as I always do, but for the first time in many years I wasn't fast forwarding and planning out the future of 2010. As I dialed back in to everything around me and listened to the DJ music in the background, it was not Auld Lange Syne that was playing (which is fabulous because I've never really liked that song). First the DJ played Let It Be by The Beatles, then Dream On by Aerosmith. Yes, this was ridiculously ironic, but I just laughed to myself and enjoyed the first new moments of 2010 unfolding before me.
Ever since I was little, I've been the girl with the big dreams, and New Year's Resolutions were no exception. Well all my friends thought cleaning their room every week was a good choice, I chose things like staying on top on my exercise program that I've had to deal with all my life. I didn't believe in small goals, or small dreams for that matter. Life didn't stop just because the calendar year changed over. Even knowing this I continued to make lengthy resolutions (last year's four being two pages long) and continued to not follow through on them. I would get extremely annoyed with myself looking at this as quitting or becoming lazy because I didn't want to do the work. While that was sometimes, unfortunately, the case, this New Year's Eve taught me something more.
I wasn't quitting or becoming lazy, but I was doing something with no purpose, no reason, no drive. Life doesn't stop just because the calendar year has changed over. It never will. So what I learned this year was this: everything you want to do, you should want to do year round. If you don't, change it. Getting stuck in a pattern of dread it pointless. I learned that I need to let things be and continue to dream regardless of what I may encounter in trying to achieve those dreams. And lastly, I've learned that it's not New Year, New You. It's about being who you are and matching that up with who you want to be. You don't have to change everything, or anything for that matter, for that to happen.
So, what's my New Year's Resolution this year? Well, I don't believe in them anymore. I believe you should always have goals and coming up with them on January 1st makes them no more special. I believe in giving yourself second, third, and fourth--an infinite number of chances--so that is what I entend to do.
This year and everyday for the rest of my life, it is my goal to just be. It is my goal to live life and do all that I can, without fear.
You should try it! :)
Sunday, December 6, 2009
A winter of...running?
I started this blog post a month ago in an effort to inform all of you loyal readers about my newest endeavor to run another 5K in April and talk about how I was going to train for it using a training plan that any "normal" runner would use. Well, the title of the post is still accurate, but my topic has changed. Don't misunderstand me, I'm still going to be running the 5K, it's just not what I feel the need to share right now.
What's on my mind is running of a different sort. Running from my fears, running from change, and running from the one thing I so desperately want. That's what I've been doing for the past few months. And it took a car accident, some extremely tough love, and a lot of tears for me to figure this out. I've always been a dreamer. I strongly believe that we are nothing without our dreams and our dreams, hopes, and aspirations are ultimately what make us who we are. So, you'd think for someone who believes this, I'd have no problem following my own dreams, right? Wrong. I'm the one that everyone loves to share their goals will. I'll believe in you unconditionally. It's in transferring that belief onto myself that the problem starts to develop.
I love adventures. I love that adreniline rush of doing something that you never thought you could--that everyone told you you couldn't do. Lately though, I've been running. I've been running in the wrong direction, listening to the voices of those who tell me I should just live this life like it is, and I've been trapped by my fears. I pretend like I'm moving through them and going after my dream, but I'm actually just going through the motions.
Fear is such a strange emotion. It can motivate you or it can paralyze you. It may not seem that you can control the outcome, but I'm starting to learn that you can. You have the choice to let that fear become real, or to take that adventure and be willing to fall...and hope you succeed. As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm realizing how ambiguous I am when I write sometimes. So, for once, I think I'm going to put it all out there and be honest.
That one thing I so desperately want: to walk
My fears (maybe in a particular order, I don't know though): falling, failing, proving everyone right if I do fail, wasting my time, it not being enough--it never being enough...just to name the few that are almost always on my mind.
I feel like I'm just rambling. I promise I do have a point. It just might not tie into a neat little package like you'd want it to. Life never works that way. The other night, I was having a particularly rough time with this whole fear thing. I've recently been blessed with some great opportunities and some that I thought would be great and "the answer", that ended up getting cut too soon--or so I thought. Here I was, thinking that I needed someone to tell me exactly what to do and when to do it if I wanted to succeed. Since I didn't have that person, I didn't think it could happen. This has been a pattern of mine for years. Luckily, I have someone in my life who can spin me back to reality every now and then and tell me to suck it up, face my fears, and do what needs to be done.
I was--and still am--afraid to be alone, afraid to be out there with myself and trusting myself to succeed. But, this isn't for anyone else, but me. I'm starting to see that the people around me care; but their worlds aren't going to crumble if I don't succeed. They have their own goals and fears to deal with. This has to be for me; first and foremost, and when I succeed and am happy...THEN everyone else that I want so badly to include will be there...they can't hold my hand all the time, because then I'm not walking alone. Literally and figuratively.
Where does this fit into running? Well, I told you we'd get there. This winter in still the winter of running for me. While I'm literally running to try and take on this 5K on April 25, 2010 with a time less than my first of 2:11:31, I'm also running away from these fears that have trapped me for far too long and toward my dreams. Each day of training, each step whether giant ot extremely small, will, without a doubt, bring me closer...because now I know, more than ever before, that I am giving my all--for me. On that day in April, my ultimate goal of walking by myself across our graduation stage will be liss than one month away; and while there is a lot of time and hard work to be put in between now and then, there is one thing I know for sure. Because I'm willing to let myself fall, and do this for me, my committment to this goal has never been stronger, and will not falter.
What's on my mind is running of a different sort. Running from my fears, running from change, and running from the one thing I so desperately want. That's what I've been doing for the past few months. And it took a car accident, some extremely tough love, and a lot of tears for me to figure this out. I've always been a dreamer. I strongly believe that we are nothing without our dreams and our dreams, hopes, and aspirations are ultimately what make us who we are. So, you'd think for someone who believes this, I'd have no problem following my own dreams, right? Wrong. I'm the one that everyone loves to share their goals will. I'll believe in you unconditionally. It's in transferring that belief onto myself that the problem starts to develop.
I love adventures. I love that adreniline rush of doing something that you never thought you could--that everyone told you you couldn't do. Lately though, I've been running. I've been running in the wrong direction, listening to the voices of those who tell me I should just live this life like it is, and I've been trapped by my fears. I pretend like I'm moving through them and going after my dream, but I'm actually just going through the motions.
Fear is such a strange emotion. It can motivate you or it can paralyze you. It may not seem that you can control the outcome, but I'm starting to learn that you can. You have the choice to let that fear become real, or to take that adventure and be willing to fall...and hope you succeed. As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm realizing how ambiguous I am when I write sometimes. So, for once, I think I'm going to put it all out there and be honest.
That one thing I so desperately want: to walk
My fears (maybe in a particular order, I don't know though): falling, failing, proving everyone right if I do fail, wasting my time, it not being enough--it never being enough...just to name the few that are almost always on my mind.
I feel like I'm just rambling. I promise I do have a point. It just might not tie into a neat little package like you'd want it to. Life never works that way. The other night, I was having a particularly rough time with this whole fear thing. I've recently been blessed with some great opportunities and some that I thought would be great and "the answer", that ended up getting cut too soon--or so I thought. Here I was, thinking that I needed someone to tell me exactly what to do and when to do it if I wanted to succeed. Since I didn't have that person, I didn't think it could happen. This has been a pattern of mine for years. Luckily, I have someone in my life who can spin me back to reality every now and then and tell me to suck it up, face my fears, and do what needs to be done.
I was--and still am--afraid to be alone, afraid to be out there with myself and trusting myself to succeed. But, this isn't for anyone else, but me. I'm starting to see that the people around me care; but their worlds aren't going to crumble if I don't succeed. They have their own goals and fears to deal with. This has to be for me; first and foremost, and when I succeed and am happy...THEN everyone else that I want so badly to include will be there...they can't hold my hand all the time, because then I'm not walking alone. Literally and figuratively.
Where does this fit into running? Well, I told you we'd get there. This winter in still the winter of running for me. While I'm literally running to try and take on this 5K on April 25, 2010 with a time less than my first of 2:11:31, I'm also running away from these fears that have trapped me for far too long and toward my dreams. Each day of training, each step whether giant ot extremely small, will, without a doubt, bring me closer...because now I know, more than ever before, that I am giving my all--for me. On that day in April, my ultimate goal of walking by myself across our graduation stage will be liss than one month away; and while there is a lot of time and hard work to be put in between now and then, there is one thing I know for sure. Because I'm willing to let myself fall, and do this for me, my committment to this goal has never been stronger, and will not falter.
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